Soiled Doves Inn

Seems like I've a million things pulling me in a million directions, and haven't been able to focus on one of them. But the truth of the matter is, I'm just losing my focus. So here I am, trying to get back on track with focusing on a "thing" I've chosen the blog as my "thing" for now. You guys! I think I'm buying a house! I know, crazy, right? We're in the midst of the insanity and right at that point where I'm asking myself "WHY?" Why am I doing this? It's hard and costly and SO much trouble. There are endless papers to sign and endless meetings to have with endless people. What in the literal fuck am I doing? I'm really not quite adult enough to handle this, I don't think. And now I'm going to sound like I'm getting off-track but stay with me: I'm making my way through the Dark Tower series. I'm on book four, and I think I'm hooked. I always think anachronistic and fantasy go together rea...

Holy crap, you guys! It's been awhile. So, married now. The "being married" part has been super easy. Nothing has really changed. Our relationship is the same, we love each other the same, the interaction with all of the children is the same. But man, once you put that label on it, things get kinda weird with the people around you. Here's some examples: 1) Now everyone and their brother wants to hang out. No one cared before, but now, we are asked to do "couple things" with other couples. Honestly, I don't want to do them now any more than I wanted to do it before. 2) We BOTH changed our last names. It seemed like the logical thing to do: we started a new life together, so it only stood to reason that we would have a "together" name. But people are apparently not prepared for the man to change their name. Some businesses aren't even set up to do it efficiently. Weird. 3) People expect commiseration with things that they never did be...

So I completed the Whole 30! Did it and was damn proud of it. There were times when I didn't think I could, but I made it through. And boy, psychologically, did it make me realize a lot of things. I guess I didn't know how much my diet could affect my mood, but I discovered a lot of those "trigger" foods and doing my best to avoid them. Some of them I'm sad about. But honestly, one thing I realized was that getting THAT wrapped up in food was probably not good for me. I will at least make this a once-a-year thing. Whether I do it more often remains to be seen. It was NOT easy. In other news, I got engaged! Interesting, that. I'm not sure how it's supposed to work because in my brain, there's a lot of etiquette and tradition associated with it: two things I'm not a fan of. So I don't want to ignore those things because of that in case some things are just a good idea. There are few decisions I've made: No ceremony, just a really rad party....

Six days, so I've decided to count down. I swear to Dog, the things getting me through this besides my two awesome friends is chia pudding and pumpkin custard. If not for them, I would have said "fuck it!" long ago. Still enjoying how I feel and how I'm sleeping. Feel lighter and more awake, no run-down days anymore. So I've got to figure things out because I'm NOT doing this forever. To anyone entering the hell that is Whole30, get yourself a support network! That will make ALL the difference. I just have two friends doing it with me and we formed a secret Facebook group and we usually report in every day. We post recipes and just encourage. Oh, and Pinterest! Having a variety of foods will save your life, trust me. So, six more days!

So finishing up Whole30 and it was pretty eye-opening. I can't say I enjoyed it, but it made me realize my relationship with food. I'm sure I've lost weight, but little things that I just assumed were part of my life (bloating, heartburn) are gone. Since the only thing I changed was my diet, I've concluded that must be it. Figuring that out has been an interesting ride. I do miss sugar and alcohol, but not bad. Another thing it made me realize was that these little goals are very motivating, so I've decided to give myself a new challenge every month, revolving around things I know I need to change but haven't been able to get started with. November will be running a mile a day/30 miles in 30 days. I'll give myself the option of making it up in case there's a bad day. And I'll tell all of you about it! Come on October 30! I want a glass of wine!

Recently, because of an incredibly supportive significant other, I've started coming to terms with what it has meant in my life to be the daughter of a mother with severe mental illness, to be the sister of a woman with multiple handicaps, to be a smarter-than-average girl/woman, to be a girl/woman who had a lot of secrets, mostly family ones that she was expected to keep, to be a girl/woman who was bullied for being smart and/or less than attractive, to be a girl/woman who became "attractive" late in life and what that means in our society, and so many other things that I just thought I had to live with and didn't talk about it. And now I've been given permission to talk about it, and think about it, and admit it to myself, and bring it to light so it can die a healthy death. And I'm terrified. I'm terrified because I'm afraid of becoming that person who is defined by her problems. I'm afraid of being seen as a victim. I'm afraid of saying ...